Adrian Barich: How would you go at a ‘silent retreat’ where talking and even laughing aloud are banned?

This is going to sound a bit strange, given I’m a bloke who basically makes his living by talking, but I’m going to discuss silence.

Five days of it, in fact, at a “silent” retreat down south. My neighbour has just completed one and she says it’s absolutely worth a look.

Now, I don’t know about you but in my mind’s eye I pictured a silent retreat as being somewhere you laze around reading books, eating healthy food and just smiling a lot. Mostly at people, unless you’re the fella who’s started looking lovingly at his breakfast each morning before eating it.

But no, you have to do stuff — like meditate, sitting cross-legged for as long as possible and try to achieve oneness with the universe.

Apparently silent meditation allows the body and mind to rest and reset, fostering a deeper connection and enhancing self-awareness and insight.

And we all need better insight, eh? How many people have no clue about how they really behave, suffering from a complete lack of self-awareness? Sometimes the ageing process will bring realisation but not always.

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, “Oh my God I can’t believe I did that . . . or acted like that . . . or said that?” It’s that sort of wisdom we seek, and maybe silent retreats fast-track that process.

I’m told that after a few days, you get to a point where you can silence the internal chatter as well as the external, leading to a state of mental clarity and physical healing that can be deeply rejuvenating.

Apparently before that, you are suffering from what they hilariously call “monkey mind” where your thoughts jump all over the place.

Do you think you could hack it? Could you put away your phone, laptop, watch and spend a whole week off the grid? I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert and even I was doubting if I could adjust — especially to the “no talking” rule.

The extroverts amongst us hate being uncontactable; they think the world can’t survive without them. I’m thinking of a couple of friends of mine who are what I’d call overachievers and they would feel very uncomfortable without any technology. It would be like cutting off an arm.

Just remember laughing out loud is also banned, so try and bite your tongue at any loud flatulence.

It seems these silent retreats might force the highly driven amongst us to let go of their aggressive crusading spirit, which some would say may even border on reminiscent of a narcissistic personality.

But the no talking bit is what fascinates me. Obviously there must be some humour derived from using hand signals to communicate; that could cause some hilarious bloopers.

I’m not sure if mouthing words is considered cheating but that would also be a hoot. I can just imagine mouthing, ‘where’s the bloody sugar’ while doing a digging and tipping motion with your hand into your coffee cup.

Are you even allowed to have coffee or is that banned too? I must check. Giving up both coffee and talking would be almost impossible, wouldn’t it?

I’m told the people who run the retreats even use a Sanskrit word that basically translates to “shut up and meditate”.

The other bit I like is that I believe when you return home from a five-day retreat, emerging from a deep introspective experience, you feel superior to everyone around you for at least a couple of days (until the feeling wears off and you return to your regular bad habits). And guess what? You also humble-brag to everyone you know about what you achieved at the monastery in Serpentine.

Some people don’t, of course — for them, it’s a life-changing event — but for many of us, we will succumb again to human frailty.

I’m sure if I went to a retreat I’d be thinking, “Wow, I should have bought a camera crew; this could really be a great story that could help change the world”, which obviously would just mean I missed the whole point of the exercise.

To finish off, here’s some funny side effects, as reported in the latest brochure: after meditating for over six hours a day, get ready to literally crawl out of the meditation room; prepare yourself for bodily explosions, these are always hilarious, it’s the high-fibre veg diet; just remember laughing out loud is also banned, so try and bite your tongue at any loud flatulence.

I actually have what I think is a great idea for a retreat: a “pets and their owners” retreat. After all, who doesn’t think their dog is the best “person” they know?

And if it was a silent retreat I’m sure after a while you would think your pets are actually talking to you: “Get me some more of that tofu, will you please Dad? I’m allergic to avocado though.”